Wow, what a snappy title! Well, I wish I could have left it at ‘every Disney park’, but sadly I’ve only visited the western parks so far, with Hong Kong, Shanghai and, most of all, Tokyo still on the to-do list. But with eight Disney parks under my belt, I still have a few strong opinions on which are the best and worst rides in each, so let’s get started. Before I do, however, I should note that when choosing my favourites, I stuck strictly to ‘real’ rides. Trust me, you’d know if La Tanière du Dragon was eligible.
On that note, where else would we start than my favourite theme park in the world?
Disneyland Paris
Best: Big Thunder Mountain
As a general rule, I try to avoid ‘in the world’ hyperbole, safe in the knowledge that I will never experience all of the world’s attractions. However, when it comes to the world’s greatest family coaster, I think Big Thunder Mountain has a fighting chance. Specifically, the ridiculous marvel that dominates the Parisian Frontierland. Of course, I’m biased. It’s my #0 coaster. The ride that made me love roller coasters. I ended up in hospital after trying to recreate it on my bicycle. Not only is it my favourite ride in the park, but it’s up there with my favourite rides period. I simply refuse to leave Disneyland Paris until I have had at least one night ride, preferably in row 15. Sure, some of the effects are hit-or-miss, with the splash-down finally back after a long absence and the smoke effect working once in a blue moon, but I just don’t care. It’s got animatronics, smells, sound effects, waterfalls, and the best darn views you could ever ask for. Throw in some ridiculous back-row airtime, insane geography and a finale that makes me think I’m about to die every time and you’ve got one of the greatest rides ever constructed.
Worst: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Peril
Ah yes, Indiana Jones and the Reason I Don’t Wear Earrings to Theme Parks Anymore. After leaving my first ride on this unloved wannabe Pinfari Intamin clutching my bleeding earlobes, it’s no surprise that I don’t have any great love for it. With a basic layout and mediocre theming, it’s just a ride that doesn’t excel in any regard, and at a Disney Park, it ought to.
Walt Disney Studios Park
Best: The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror
It’s widely accepted that the best version of the iconic Tower of Terror attractions is the one found in Disney’s Hollywood Studios. With an additional dark ride segment featuring some insane ride vehicle magic, surely it’s the best, right? *whispers* I’m not so sure. If it’s thrills you’re after, Paris is unbeatable. Whilst I know its Floridian cousin runs a variety of cycles, the one I experienced was extremely mild and, worst of all, very brief. After waiting an hour for the attraction, it was over in a couple of drops. Not so in Paris, here you are dropped and dropped, and dropped again for what feels like an eternity, with plenty of significant drops in there too! With the refurbishment into The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror: A New Dimension of Chills in 2019, the attraction gained even more re-rideability and uniqueness. Undoubtedly, the star of Walt Disney Studios Park.
Worst: Flying Carpets of Agrabah
This is the most unloved attraction in the most unloved Disney park, and it shows. Not only is it bad enough that this ride is out of place and fits no real theme, but it’s allowed to decay into a truly shocking state time and time again. Every time I ride, my carpet seems to be falling apart, and it’s just not acceptable at a ‘premium’ theme park.
Magic Kingdom
Best: The Haunted Mansion
Do I really need to tell you how good The Haunted Mansion is? As far as iconic attractions go, you don’t get much more so than this. The hitchhiking ghosts, the wallpaper, Madam Leota, Grim Grinning Ghosts… these are all instantly recognisable to any theme park fan worth their salt. In fact, it’s so good that even with its people-eating omnimover ride system, this attraction still pulls a hefty wait time almost every time I’ve visited the park. Whilst there are many more attractions at Magic Kingdom that could be contenders for this spot, if you had to ask me to name one ride I’m not leaving the park without experiencing, I’d be whistling Grim Grinning Ghosts and strolling down to Liberty Square in a heartbeat.
(Note: I have not yet experienced Tron: Lightcycle Run.)
Worst: Tomorrowland Speedway
These attractions are a contender for worst at every park they exist in, but there’s something about Magic Kingdom’s that I just find extra insulting – at least Autopia has some incredible neon lighting! I just can’t fathom the idea that this attraction should exist in Tomorrowland and run on fossil fuels. The stench is vile, the footprint is massive, and they’re next to impossible to steer. Despite all that, I’d still have a soft spot for them if they were electric! As it is, I only rode this version during Very Merry for the Christmas overlay (which was cute!)
Disney’s Hollywood Studios
Best: Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance
Disney’s Hollywood Studios is widely acknowledged as having a small and unreasonably stacked line-up. This is a park where practically every attraction is a must-do. Almost every attraction would be a headliner elsewhere, but here they form the entire line-up and draw crowds far beyond their capacity. However, amongst that crazed line-up, one attraction stands head and shoulders above the rest: Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance.
Where do you begin to talk about Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance? I’ll try not to spoil the experience too much – trust me, it’s worth going in blind if you still can – but let’s just say that before I even strapped into a ride vehicle, this was the single greatest walk-through attraction I’d experienced. It uses actors, and animatronics, and vehicles, and indoor and outdoor environments, every single thing at the disposal of Imagineers, to create the ultimate theatrical ride. This is not a ride. It’s not a show. It’s an experience. And it made me feel a way I’d quite simply never felt before. At the time, I compared my experience exiting this ride for the first time to my first time watching Hamilton. I was dazed, emotional, elated, in pure awe of what I had just witnessed and had no idea how I was supposed to simply carry on with my day. I’m not sure we’ll ever see anything quite as spectacular as Rise – though those Ministry of Magic plans have me intrigued – but God I hope we do.
Worst: Millenium Falcon: Smuggler’s Run
And on the other side of Batuu, and the bottom of my list? Millenium Falcon: Smuggler’s Run. (Yes, I really do prefer Alien Swirling Saucers.) It doesn’t help that my first experience of this attraction was a nightmare. Eagerly skipping in line past the 10-minute posted wait, it was an hour before we finally entered the pre-show. (The attraction had broken down and no communication was offered.) When we did eventually make it through, we were greeted by the key animatronic wrapped up in its B-mode shroud, and Hondo greeting us instead on a screen. But that’s okay, we’ll be hanging out in the Falcon soon! Nope. As soon as we exited, we were told we weren’t allowed to explore any of the Falcon and instead should head straight to our pod. Where we were assigned Engineer, the widely-acknowledged worst role. *sigh* And, well, the ride experience didn’t save things. I found the buttons distracting, as I tried to pay attention to the action, whilst the entire time I was violently being slammed around as our child pilots failed to grasp what was being asked of them. Not that I blame them. They were in the Falcon and having a great time pushing buttons! I just wish it didn’t make the ride quite so aggressive when the targets were missed. I did re-ride and had a better experience. Finally, I saw Hondo in the (rubber) flesh and got to see the Falcon. But even on a second ride, the experience itself began to get old. For me, this attraction is just worse than Star Tours in every way – except the facade, of course. That Falcon is insane.
EPCOT
Best: Spaceship Earth
I do not have superlatives enough to describe how much I love Spaceship Earth. I just really, deeply adore this ride. There are few attractions out there that can leave you feeling deeply moved and inspired in the way Spaceship Earth does. Taking riders on a slow-moving journey through the history of human communication, this is a ride that shakes me to my core. By the time the vehicle reaches the Renaissance, the music swells, and we pass by Michaelangelo hard at work, I’m a woman on fire. Filled with inspiration and pride for humankind. Trust me, I don’t feel that way often.
And do I even need to mention the building it’s housed in? What an insane, iconic, beautiful achievement.
Worst: Journey into Imagination with Figment
I’m so, so sorry Figment. I love you, but your ride just ain’t it.
Epcot has 11 rides. Many more attractions of course, but 11 true rides. Of those, sadly, there was one obvious choice for the bottom spot: the mess that is Journey into Imagination with Figment. A botched attempt at fixing a terrible re-theme, Journey into Imagination is a ride that pleases no one. It’s loud and obnoxious, non-sensical and just feels old. I enjoy it. After all, there are very few dark rides that I don’t enjoy, but it hurts knowing how much better it could be. Not to mention how much more Figment could be utilised outside of the now-ubiquitous merchandise.
Disney’s Animal Kingdom
Best: Avatar: Flight of Passage
This was a tough one! Expedition Everest is one of my favourite ride experiences out there – and one of the best queue lines to boot – but there really just is something special about Flight of Passage, isn’t there? Being honest, I don’t think I love it as much as others do. It’s not my favourite attraction of all time, not even close, but it sure did make me cry. I think it’s the ride vehicle for me. The breathing Banshee was a stroke of genius, and enables guests to feel a connection to a virtual creature in a way I didn’t even think possible. Alongside some of the best effects seen in simulator attractions – glorious smells, the spray of water, and the breeze in your hair – this virtual experience feels so much more real than any other. I love it.
Worst: Triceratop Spin
I’d actually already written an entire entry here for Kali River Rapids, and then I realised I’d completely forgotten an attraction: Triceratop Spin. It’s easy to forget, being a bog standard spinner ride located in the unloved car park that may be the worst area of any Disney Park (thanks Backlot for vacating that spot!) In fact, I don’t even have a photo of this ride, but here’s some of the tarmac. Enjoy.
(For what it’s worth, I love Dinoland U.S.A. and think the loss of a dinosaur-themed area within Animal Kingdom would be tragic. But Dino-Rama needs help, and it needs it fast.)
Disneyland
Best: Pirates of the Caribbean
Just like Haunted Mansion, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you why Pirates of the Caribbean is good. But hey, that’s why you’re here, right? I’ve talked about how much I love many other rides throughout this post, but Pirates. Pirates is something else. It’s quite simply my favourite ride of all time. Well, that’s the Paris version, but almost by default, that makes its original incarnation, The Pirates of the Caribbean, my favourite ride at Disneyland. The thing that really makes this, and the other Pirates rides, for me, is the detail. You could ride Pirates of the Caribbean 100 times and still notice something new – trust me, I do – there’s just that much tucked into each and every scene. Not that any of it feels superfluous. Each scene is rich with storytelling. In fact, the attraction houses an incredible 53 audio-animatronic critters and a further 75 animatronic humans! But beyond storytelling, this attraction excels in atmosphere. From the sound of a lone banjo as you sail through the bayou to the eerie warning that ‘dead men tell no tales’, this is an immersive masterpiece. Though I do prefer the Paris version overall, my favourite difference in the original is the inclusion of a show scene to the side of the final lift hill. The appearance of Captain Jack, just as I was sure the ride had ended, was a very unexpected and delightful addition.
Over 50 years after opening, Pirates of the Caribbean remains one of the greatest dark rides I’ve experienced. How incredible is that?
Worst: Davy Crockett’s Explorer Canoes
Davy Crockett’s Explorer Canoes is, I kid you not, the entire reason I wrote this post. Sure, I could have just written ‘Why I Hate Davy Crockett’s Explorer Canoes’, but I try not to be a hater so please enjoy the positivity elsewhere in the post, because you’ll find none here my friends. Okay, that’s a lie. These canoes are very pretty, it’s a very unique offering, the views are great and the cast members are fantastic. There, now on to the real business. This was hands down the most stressful ride experience I can ever remember. If you’re not familiar with the canoes, well, they’re a canoe. They hold 20 people each, all of which must actually paddle in order to progress the boat. There is no motor and no track. Just a boat, some guests, a cast member, and a bunch of oars. Sound like fun? Well, actually, I kinda thought it did. As we approached, the cast members stood out front, calling out for guests to come row ‘come experience the hottest attraction at Disneyland!’ And now I know why. To get to the point, they let kids row, too. Now, I really don’t want to come across as some old curmudgeon that begrudges the presence of children at a Disney park, but on setting sail, I spent the next 20 minutes or so being instructed by a cast member to row faster, being told we needed to get our boat back as quickly as possible, and wanting to do everything in my power to help. But it was physically impossible to row. Every movement I made with my oar was met with a clunk as either the child in front or the one behind hit into my oar. I tried lifting out of the water to allow them to have some fun, but I was just in the way there, too. There was no way to fulfil my duty to the boat, but also, there was no way to stay out the way. I simply had to keep trying. And getting hit, and hit, and not to mention splashed. As water repeatedly splashed my face, I tried to navigate my oar around the endless crashes, begging for the journey to come to an end. Never have the Rivers of America felt longer. I was hot, sweaty, my arms hurt, my face and arms were wet from splashes, and I was just so frustrated. I’m sure this would be a lovely attraction if it were simply a leisurely row around a lake with a bunch of people who knew what they were doing. But it wasn’t. It was stressful and full of people who had no idea how to row. Myself included. I’m not going to blame those kids for the crashes. Heck, I probably caused some of them too. But it just didn’t work as an attraction, and I was so happy to get back on dry land. Never again.
Disney’s California Adventure
Best: Radiator Springs Racers
Radiator Springs Racers is a masterpiece. It’s a glorious dark ride, a chill transport ride and a thrilling high-speed race all rolled into one. Its scale is such that I cannot believe it was all man-made. Not only do you get to enjoy the majesty of Radiator Springs, but at the same time the landscape hides the show building for the wonderful dark ride inside? Genius! Not to mention the re-ridability offered by both the racing system and alternate routes inside the dark ride portion. With this ride, Imagineers really pushed what could be done with the Test Track ride system, and I’d quite honestly love to see what else they could achieve with this incredibly fun, family-friendly style of attraction.
Also, I cannot believe this, but the only photo I have of this beautiful, beautiful attraction is this blurry, glare-filled photo from when we broke down for ages in front of Lightning and Mater. Enjoy!
Worst: Goofy’s Sky School
There is a semi-themed wild mouse in Disney’s California Adventure. If you didn’t know that, you’re not alone. I honestly had no idea until I checked RCDB before our trip. But there is indeed a horrid wild mouse, whose theming amounts to little more than cut-outs and billboards tucked away in the far corner of this park. To their credit, some of the billboards have cute moving parts and feature classic Goofy imagery that I really enjoy. But it’s a wild mouse. You can see the concrete floor below. It all just looks so temporary.
And, because I’m just a failure of a blogger, I also do not have any photos of this mess, so please enjoy this POV and remember that this is Disney attraction.
So there we have it, my personal favourite and least favourite attractions in every park. What do you think? Was I fair on them? Do you have vastly different opinions? Let me know!
One thing’s for certain. I need to get back to Disneyland Resort and take more photos!
Speak again soon,
Claire
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